


Without Walls

by ellieswritings



Category: Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice
Genre: Drug Addiction, F/F, Recreational Drug Use, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:34:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28186974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellieswritings/pseuds/ellieswritings
Summary: Post 11x22 (She's Leaving Home), where Amelia gives Owen the oxy she bought, but she doesn't stay sober after that night on the porch. Arizona notices Amelia being more withdrawn than usual and tries to reach out to Amelia. But can Amelia manage her drug habits with Arizona and her quickly becoming closer?
Relationships: Arizona Robbins/Amelia Shepherd
Comments: 41
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all!
> 
> I wanted to give a little more context to the framing of this fic. This is taking place a few months after 11x22, but with the pretense that Meredith is still gone and Owen and Amelia have drifted further apart. That is pretty much the major divergent points from the show, but the fic will drift further from the plot as it goes on, because it will remain within that context. 
> 
> Feedback is definitely welcome! It will help me improve upcoming chapters. (But plz be nice because this is my first work :])
> 
> Ellie

The mirror of the mounted cabinet faced the closed bathroom door. The house was silent, the running shower the only sound carrying through the hall. Amelia opened a bottle of multivitamins and fished out the worn plastic bag from inside. It was dusty and wrinkled, but she hardly noticed the sensation as much as she enjoyed the sound of tearing the seal open. She tipped the bag sideways and let one pill slip out. She used the glass soap dispenser to crush the pill as her face slowly formed a satisfied grimace.

Without looking, she pulled an old business card from its place, tucked behind the cabinet, and methodically flipped it between her fingers before scraping the powdered pill into a heap. Her actions were practiced and anything but precise. Amelia’s hands shook, partially in anticipation, partially because she was quickly coming down from her last high. 

She quickly created two lines and took a sharp breath, pulling the powdered oxycodone into her respiratory system. 

Amelia rubbed the bridge of her nose and sniffed as she leaned back on the wall by the shower, closing her eyes. Her mouth lifted at its edges and she slid slowly down the tile in ecstasy. Her mouth fell open as she lost touch with herself, giving in to the high as it quickly crept in. 

She only allowed herself this twice a day, once early in the morning, hours before she would see anyone, and once in the evening when she retired from company. In her waking hours, Amelia snuck off between rounds and surgeries to smoke. It was a horrible habit, but it distracted her from the crawling beneath her skin and the static in her head. Her health might’ve been a bigger priority given her profession, but smoking couldn’t be any worse for her than getting high every day. 

As the room started to spin, Amelia took off her shirt, then her bra. She unbuttoned her jeans and slowly slid them down her legs. She couldn’t tell if she was moving fast or slow, she couldn’t care. She stepped into the shower and basked in the feeling of being high under the persistent flow of water. Amelia bathed herself, all the while allowing her consciousness to be lifted: up, up, up. She wondered when _up, up, and away_ would come. 

After all, this was all to welcome the sensation of being _away_. Since the night on the porch of Derek’s mansion, she had desired to be far away from reality. Her brother was dead. Her sister-in-law fled shortly after, taking the remainder of her family with her. That night, Amelia had given Owen most of her stash, him having found her vulnerable and alone. But the addict in her knew not to give it all away. Once Owen retreated, having promised a ride to AA in the morning, Amelia slipped the dime bag out of her back pocket and walked in the door. 

She knew she couldn’t go back to that place. Amelia was well aware of the danger addiction presented. She remembered Ryan every night as she fell asleep. She remembered her time with Hailey in the treatment center. She couldn’t go back to being _Bitch-On-Wheels_ Amelia. But she needed to allow herself to get away from it all in a familiar way. And so, she turned to the thing that kept coming back after everything abandoned her. But this time, she wouldn’t let herself get bad enough to need someone to step in. Amelia could balance drugs and the rest of her life. She just needed structure.

Amelia began to dry herself off with her towel. It was a perverse form of self-care: get high, shower, put on lotion, remember her dead fiancé, go to sleep. But it worked, it kept her away from the hurt. The cool of the lotion running up her thigh was exacerbated by the creeping sensation under her skin. She basked in that feeling, her hair dripping slightly while pulled up in a twist with her towel. She slipped on her sleepwear, some underwear and a t-shirt she had stolen in high school from Derek’s dresser. She roughly rubbed the towel against her wet scalp, towel drying it a bit while pacing her room. It was a little past 10:30 pm when she went to hang the towel on the bar in the bathroom and turn off the lights she had left on around the house. 

Before going up to bed, Amelia went down the stairs to grab a glass of water from the kitchen. She had grabbed a hoodie and shrugged it up, so it covered her chin and pulled her arms so only her fingers were peeking out of the sleeves. The glasses were in a cabinet above the sink and her shirt and hoodie both rode up, exposing her upper thigh immodestly. Habitually, her wrist flicked the faucet on, and once the water had filled her glass, she let the rim meet her dry lips to drink most of its contents. She allowed the glass to fill again before flicking the faucet back off. Her eyes closed for a moment and there was a knocking in her head. 

Her eyes opened and Amelia realized the knocking, rather than in her head, was at the door. It had been a light knock, a tap even, but as she turned toward the door, confusion crept into her body. No one ever came here once she left the hospital, she made sure of it. Before she could make out the figure standing in the dark of the porch, her phone lit up on the counter, signaling the second notification of a series of texts. 

_Hey, Sofia swears she left some toy Callie got her in Zola’s room before Mer left and she won’t settle down for bed without it..._

_Sorry, I don’t know why she chose tonight of all nights to need this toy, but she’s begging to check Zo’s room._

_Hey, I’m parked outside and see your car. Is it okay if we come in?_

_2 minutes ago._

_Shit_ , Amelia thought as her eyes met a set of blue ones in the front window. Arizona gave a hesitant smile and waved from outside. Amelia lifted her hand to signal to Arizona that she would be to the door in one second. _Thank god,_ she thought as she riffled through the clean but unfolded laundry sitting by the stairs. She found a pair of sweat-shorts and slipped them over her cold legs until the elastic waistband lightly snapped into place above her hips. While still out of sight from the door she prayed to be able to pull this off. _You’ve gotten this far without anyone finding out. Five minutes._

Amelia strode to the door and opened it, finding a shivering Sofia holding onto her mother. She let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding and smiled a weak smile to Arizona, who looked back with an apology behind her eyes. 

“I know it’s late, Sofia was wondering if she could check Zola’s room for that toy…” 

Amelia looked down at Sofia’s tear-stained face and reached out to lightly smooth out her strewn hair. 

“Do you need help getting to Zola’s room, honey?” Amelia asked. Her question was met with a small shake of Sofia’s head, and the little girl pushed past Amelia and rushed towards the stairs. After watching her scurry out of sight, Amelia folded her arms across her chest, partially from the brisk air coming in from the open door, and partially to shy away from Arizona’s gaze. She turned back toward Arizona, who gave her a small smile. 

“Thank you so much, I don’t know what’s going on with her, but she gets her skill of persuasion from Callie and-”

“It’s fine,” Amelia cut her off, eyes darting to look at everything but Arizona. She didn’t want to get into that conversation at the moment, she much rather let the rest of her high ride in peace. 

Arizona’s eyes widened in surprise, and she looked Amelia up and down. Amelia wondered if she could tell part of her wasn't there. She lifted her eyes up to meet Arizona’s and it felt like she was baring her soul to the world. Amelia watched as Arizona’s jaw bobbles with slack, as if she can’t quite put her finger on what she should say. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Arizona asked. Her head tilted to the side, empathetically. Amelia could tell her leg hurt by the way she was leaning, but Amelia couldn’t stray any further from her routine without risking everything. Her twisted sense of self-preservation reared its ugly head, and she shifted so that Arizona knew she wasn’t going to be asked in.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” Amelia shot back. She dropped her gaze back to the floor and began picking at the skin on her upper arm. She was itching to walk away from Arizona and leave her to wait there alone. A chill crept up her back and she noticed she was itching for another line. 

“Well, um,” Arizona started, but Amelia noticed her gaze travel from her own face to behind her. “Did you find it, honey?”

Having been met with a shake of Sofia’s head and a small sniffle, Arizona’s face faltered, and she reached her hand out to her daughter. Amelia met Arizona’s eyes and could see fear and sadness in the icy blue looking back at her. Amelia knelt down, but she hadn’t noticed until her knee had already met the floor. 

“I miss her, too,” Amelia said, eyes meeting Sofia’s for the first time that night. Her hand shook as she pushed Sofia’s hair out of her face. Sofia gave a slight smile but turned towards her mother. Amelia rose, feeling the world spin around her. Arizona caught her eye and after a moment a questioning look spread across her face. 

“Go get in the car, sweetie,” Arizona said, “I’m going to say goodnight to Amelia.” Sofia retreated to the car and Arizona only spoke again once the two of them heard the car door close. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Arizona asked.

“I’m fine,” Amelia responded.

“It’s okay to be lonely, Amy.”

That night, Amelia broke her rule of one high a night. And as she laid on her pillow, letting herself be pulled away, she had one fleeting thought before succumbing to fatigue and oxy. _Arizona is about to be a pain in my ass._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!   
> Thank you for the support on the last chapter! This one is shorter, so I am posting it sooner rather than later. I am working on the third chapter now which is going to be much longer!   
> ellie

After rounds the following morning, Amelia made her way to the alley, already reaching into her pocket for the pack of cigarettes she had tucked in there. She looked up and stumbled back at the sight of someone already there.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, edge in her voice. Having her habit, her routine, interrupted twice in 24 hours by the same person was quickly getting on her nerves.

“Got a light?” Arizona raised her hand, an unlit cigarette between her index and middle finger. She hadn’t looked at Amelia yet, but the look on her face tells Amelia that she knew it was her.

Amelia pulled out her lighter and lit Arizona’s cigarette, and then her own. She settled against the wall beside Arizona, and the two of them take drag after drag. A staggered pace, and when they blew out the smoke, it condensed a little in the frigid Seattle air. A wind picked up in the alley and the two of them shiver.

“So…” Amelia started, wanting the tension to dissolve.

“You know smoking is bad for you right?” Arizona jumped in. Amelia turned to look at the blonde, incredulous. Of all the things she was currently subjecting her body to, smoking seemed far down the list. Probably somewhere between not eating enough and her restless sleep cycle.

“Says the one who cares for ‘tiny humans,’” Amelia bit back. She turned away, sucked at her cheek, and took another hit. This time it’s Arizona that looked at her, for the first time since Amelia had gotten there. Amelia could feel Arizona’s eyes searching her for some sign of the Amelia she had known before. The Amelia that worked with her, who joked with Herman. The Amelia that Amelia didn’t know would ever resurface.

“I’m worried about you Amelia,’ Arizona said before looking back into space. “You shouldn’t be alone in that house.” She took a drag.

“I don’t need you to worry about me,” Amelia said, a warning for Arizona to stop before the conversation turned sour. But the two of them, Amelia and Arizona, were both too stubborn to back down from this conversation. From the corner of her eye, Amelia noticed that Arizona had turned back to look at her. To study her once more.

“Remember when you saved Herman?” Arizona said. Amelia watched her take another drag of the cigarette. The butt of the cigarette was in between her index finger and her thumb. She lightly tapped the length with her ring finger, and ash slowly fell from the end of the cigarette. “You saved her, Amelia. And you said, ‘only freaking superheroes.’ And you gave her years instead of months.”

“Yeah,” Amelia threw her cigarette butt on the ground. “I did that.” She snubbed out the end with the sole of her sneaker, pushing off the wall. Annoyance was dripping from her voice as she spoke, but she turned back to Arizona waiting for the punchline. The thing that would magically make her feel less lonely. She absent-mindedly tapped her finger against her thigh, grimacing and raising her eyebrow.

“Let me take you out tonight,” Arizona said, confidently. Amelia scoffed

“What like a d-, “ Amelia was quickly cut off.

“No, not like a date,” Arizona interrupted. “Okay, well, you are really attractive, so if you want it to be, I won’t say no, but…”

Arizona took a breath.

“I mean as friends. Let me take you out so you aren’t alone in Derek’s house.”

“Maybe I like being alone in Derek’s house,” Amelia jested. It was the only place solitary enough for her to get high without being caught. She was playing it cool this time. She wasn’t trying to stir the pot like she had with Charlotte at Seaside. She had a routine, and it was keeping her away from it all. Well, up until last night.

“Maybe…” Arizona started. “But maybe it’s not good for you to be there.”

Arizona flicked the butt of her cigarette to the ground, using her good leg to turn the small embers at the end to ash. She brushed past Amelia and reentered the hospital. Arizona held the door open while Amelia turned to face her and stared.

“I’ll meet you in the attending’s lounge? Say 7?” Arizona stared. After a moment she nodded to the door, indicating that Amelia should take it from her and follow her. Amelia grabbed the door and let Arizona walk further into the hospital.

“Fine, but Robbins?” Arizona turned back to Amelia, who had reached out to grab Arizona’s hand. “Just dinner.”

Arizona beamed at her and walked away with a gleeful spring in her step.

Amelia craved a hit.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> Thank you for all of your lovely comments :)  
> and as promised, a longer chapter! 
> 
> ellie

Amelia sat in the attending's lounge, her leg bouncing up and down anxiously. Her hands were knit together in her lap, a small bag with one white pill in it tucked between her index and middle fingers. She sighed, leaning over to bring her elbows to her knees, her hands to her face. Amelia bit the nail of her right thumb and stared into space.

She had two options here. The first: take this oxy now and risk Arizona figuring out she’s high. The second: take the oxy after dinner, but risk her body beginning to withdraw from the drugs. She knew this dinner was a bad idea as soon as Arizona asked her. It was 6:51. Amelia easily had time to take it now.

As her nail wore quickly down, Amelia remembered the look on Charlotte’s when she had snorted a line off the receptionist’s desk at Seaside. She didn’t want to go back there, so close to her lowest point. No, she wouldn’t take the oxy here, not at Grey-Sloan. But could she hide all the tell-tale signs of her cravings with Arizona?

Amelia wasn’t able to make a decision, because, at 6:52, Arizona walked into the lounge. Amelia dropped her hands from her face, quickly fisting the bag in her hand.

“Oh hey! You’re already here!” Arizona smiled at her. “Let me just get changed quickly and then we can go. I’ll drive, my treat.” Arizona took off her white coat and her blue scrubs. Amelia took this moment to tuck the bag into the back pocket of her jeans. She pulled out her phone and pretended to text, hoping her nerves wouldn’t be obvious to Arizona.

“Um, yeah, yeah,” Amelia stumbled on her words. “I got out of surgery early, I came here to, you know… lounge.” She gestured to the room, and Arizona let a laugh out under her breath. Arizona turned around, picking her purse up from her cubby, and she slung the strap over her shoulder.

“Ready to go?” Arizona asked, reaching toward the door. Her phone was in one hand, and she was texting as she opened the door. Amelia walked past Arizona and out the door, turning a bit before they both walked down the hall quietly. Arizona was still texting as they got to the elevator. Amelia hit the down button and the doors opened. They walked into the elevator, turned around to face the closing doors, and Amelia pressed the button for the ground floor. Arizona sighed and looked up to the changing floor indicator lights.

“Bad conversation?” Amelia asked, jokingly. “Because if you don’t like bad conversation, I don’t know what you’re expecting from this dinner.” Amelia tucked her hands into her back pockets, but as soon as the smile formed on her face, it left just as fast. She nervously let her jaw slide sideways as she felt the oxy in her pocket. Her eyes flickered down to the floor of the elevator, but then turned to Arizona to see her reaction.

“I don’t think you’ve ever had a bad conversation in your life, Amelia,” Arizona said, exhaling the breath she had been holding and smiling. The doors to the elevator opened, and they both laid eyes on a tall figure waiting just outside. After meeting eyes with him, Amelia quickly lowered them and grimaced. She moved to quickly walk past him and started heading to the door.

“Arizona,” Owen said, sighing as they both watched Amelia speed away.

“Owen,” Arizona said, giving him a small smile, but heading off to catch up with Amelia.

Amelia held the door open for Arizona, but kept moving at a brisk pace toward Arizona’s car. She got to the passenger door before Arizona was able to fish her keys out of her purse, and she put a hand on her back pocket, feeling the tab of oxy. She heard the door unlock, opened the door, and sat inside. She noticed Arizona out of the corner of her eye, putting her purse in the back, putting her key in the ignition, putting her seat belt on. Amelia could only focus on her own hands, balling together nervously. Amelia pulled out her phone, opening the messages app. She tapped to start a new conversation, typing c, h, a, r, before being interrupted.

“So, you and Owen?” Arizona started. She had pulled through the parking spot ahead of them and flicked her indicator. Amelia realized she had no idea where they were going to dinner. That would usually bother her, but she couldn’t think about anything but escape. A beat passes and Amelia realized she never answered Arizona.

“Uh, no,” Amelia stuttered out. “There’s nothing going on between me and Owen.” Amelia could feel Arizona glace over at her. Amelia put her phone in her purse. She looked over at Arizona, who had turned her attention back to the road. They took a left at the light.

“But there was right?” Arizona asked. “I try to stay out of the gossip mill at the hospital, especially when it was all about me, but I didn’t think I was wrong about what was going on. But I was distracted with Herman and the fellowship, so I don’t know what I missed-”

Amelia let her ramble for a minute. She thought back to the night on the porch. Something inside her told her to split up the oxy she had scored from the junkie doctor. Back in LA, no one was there to see the pattern of her downfall. They only knew bits and pieces of the story; she had a drink in a bar, she cut her hand while dancing, she was seeing Ryan. But she had been too far gone once they put those pieces together.

But this time, there was no lead up to her decline, she knew she wouldn’t get away with that in Seattle. Richard would know if she started drinking like she had in LA. And anyway, she threw herself into her work. A thousand and some odd days of recovery, sobriety, she convinced herself that she could maintain Funny Amy if it even just meant keeping the streak alive.

When she saw Owen that day, after yelling at Richard, she just couldn’t take it anymore. She was falling apart, not managing her losses. But she knew, she just knew, that Owen would try to come save her. So that night, on the porch, she let him try. It didn’t work, she turned to drugs again. 1,321 days of sobriety down the drain. But that night had kept Owen off her back. Amelia knew he thought she needed space and that she would reach out when she was ready. That had been two months ago.

Amelia thought about the pill in her pocket. About how badly she wanted to pop it in her mouth and swallow before Arizona could ask what it was. Her skin itched in anticipation and she considered the lie she would have to tell to get away with it. Weighing the options, doing the math.

_If I do it, this will be less painful. If I don’t, there’s less risk. If I do-_

“Amelia?” Arizona cut her thoughts short. Amelia looks at the small display on the dash of the car. She had only been lost in her thoughts for about two minutes, but it didn’t seem like Arizona had noticed until she had said something. “We’re here.”

Amelia looked through the windshield and saw that they had pulled outside of a hotel. She looked to her right, out the passenger side window, and saw an extended overhang to a side door that said _Andaluca Restaurant_. She looked back to Arizona, who was grabbing her purse from behind her.

“I’ve never been here before,” Amelia said. Arizona smiled.

“I figured as much,” she said while turning off the car. “with you just having moved here and spending so much time in the hospital.” Her voice trailed off as she got out of the car, and Amelia followed suit.

“I wanted to get you away for the night.”

_Away._

She followed Arizona to the overhang, they had to jog a bit since it had started raining. When they got in the door, there was a coatrack just past the host station, and the two stripped off their now wet jackets and hung them on the empty hooks. Arizona went to the desk and requested a booth for the two of them. The restaurant was virtually empty as it was a weeknight, and the host led them to one of the dozen open booths.

The restaurant was impressive. They walked past an impressive wine collection and were sat just behind a well-stocked bar. There were pieces of art masterfully hung between the wood finishes. Amelia took her seat across from Arizona and shot her a questioning smirk.

“You sure you didn’t mean this to be a date?” Amelia joked. She _had_ been taken to lower-end restaurants on dates before. She and Ryan hadn’t even been on an actual date, and she was going to marry him. But she glanced over at Arizona, who was looking at the drink menu, and she could feel that this was just Arizona. How she cared for someone.

“Only, if you want it to be,” Arizona said teasingly. Her focus was on the drink menu, something that Amelia hadn’t done in a long while.

“Starting with drinks, ladies?” Amelia looks to her left at the waiter, dressed in all black and holding his stack of tickets. Amelia hadn’t even thought of what to drink at that point. She was distracted. By her past, by the content of her pocket, by Arizona. Before she could say anything Arizona chimed in.

“Can we do one cranberry sparkler and one blueberry no-jito, and then we will both do waters.” Arizona handed the waiter the drink menu and let her gaze land on Amelia, whose mouth hung open.

“Did you just order us non-alcoholic cocktails?” Amelia was a little surprised. Most people ordered themselves a drink and she settled with coke or coffee or even just water.

“Yeah,” Arizona said, looking down at her dinner menu shyly. “April and I found this spot when she was pregnant. I think you’ll like the no-jito, but I like the cranberry.”

Arizona brought her gaze back up to Amelia, and they caught each other’s eyes. For the first time since Derek, since Ryan, Amelia felt seen. It made her skin crawl. Her heart started to race, and her palms got sweaty. She broke eye contact with Arizona and began glancing at the menu, down to her purse, back towards the door. Her leg began to shake, and she knew that she was not going to make it through this intimate interaction. Amelia didn’t want to be seen. She wanted to be far away.

She felt the pill in her pocket.

“I’m going to go to the bathroom quickly,” Amelia said suddenly. Arizona looked up with her, a bit surprised, but her face settled into a smile and she nodded at Amelia. Amelia grabbed her phone and walked to the opposite end of the restaurant, spotting the entrance to the hotel and a small restroom symbol in the hallway.

 _Thank god it’s empty_ , Amelia thought as she entered the first stall. She took the bag out of her back pocket, the plastic much dustier than when she had seen it in the attending’s lounge. She knelt on the floor. She opened the seal and took out the pill, wiping the edge of the toilet seat before putting the white tab down on it. She used the corner of her phone to crush the pill into a fine dust. Pushing it into a straight line, Amelia unceremoniously snorted the powder into her airway. She wiped her nose with her wrist and sat back so her back was against the stall door.

It only took a moment to hit, but she rode the high, letting her head fall back against the door. She glanced at her phone a moment later. If she didn’t leave the bathroom soon, Arizona would definitely ask questions. Amelia used the toilet seat to leverage herself off the floor. She stumbled out of the stall to the sink, setting her phone on the counter. She turned on the faucet, washing her hands. Amelia splashed water on her face, and as she wiped the water from her face, she saw her phone light up and heard a small vibration. She wiped her hands on some paper towels and grabbed her phone to look at the notification.

_Hey Amelia, I think you butt-dialed me earlier. Are you doing okay? -C_

_Shit_ , Amelia thought. Trying to conceal her high with her new coworker was definitely not the moment she wanted to reconnect with Charlotte King.


	4. Chapter 4

Amelia’s palms began to redden from the pressure of her body weight as she leaned over the counter in the bathroom. Her phone was clutched in her right hand, the text from Charlotte still open on the screen. Amelia knew what Charlotte must be thinking, and she knew it was probably an accurate assessment of the situation: she finally cracked after Derek’s death, she was looking for help, she needed someone to get her clean. So, Amelia knew that she had two options.

She lifted her right hand, phone and all, and swiped her hair out of her face, letting out a sigh. She composed a reply and sent it. Amelia walked out of the bathroom and back to the table where Arizona was looking at something on her own phone.

“Hey,” Arizona started, “the waiter came to take our order, but I didn’t think you knew what you wanted, so I just put in for the hummus dip as an appetizer.”

Amelia slid back into her side of the booth. Arizona typed something on her phone before putting it back in her purse. She turned to focus on Amelia, who wanted anything but that attention. She pretended to focus on the menu, brought it up to hide her face and everything, but she let her eyes drift close and focused on the warmth that her high was bringing her. Her phone was burning a hole in her pocket, but Amelia didn’t care. She could ignore that as long as she was high. She also knew she had to actually speak to Arizona at some point that night, so after a minute of basking in the overwhelming sensations in her body, she took a breath.

“What’s good here?” Amelia asked, putting the menu down. She reached for her drink and everything was in slow motion. It was tinted purple, and as she brought it to her mouth, she noticed its sweet smell. She let the drink pour past her lips, and it tasted more tart than sweet, the berry mixing with the carbonation of the club soda. Her face pulled into a wince, adjusting to the flavor.

“Um, well,” Arizona started, fiddling with the edge of the menu with her left hand. “Everything here is good.”

Amelia shot Arizona a look that said _you know that’s not what I asked_.

“Oh, you know what I mean,” Arizona replied. “I like the pasta pomodoro, but the vegetable tagine is a good option, too.”

Amelia glanced back down at the menu. The waiter came to take their order, and Amelia decided to just follow Arizona’s lead, and they both ordered the pomodoro. She took another sip of her drink, this time following the tart taste with her water.

“Amelia…”

“So, do you not eat meat?” Amelia interrupted. Arizona’s face fell, and she visibly took a moment to catch up to the quick flip from her own thought process to the question posed.

“Oh, um, not as a rule,” Arizona swept her hair away from her face with one hand, looking down to the table. She looked back up at Amelia, “it’s just one of those things that you know you should do, so when you think of it…”

Amelia glanced back up at Arizona, who was giving her an empathetic smile. Amelia remembered how she had felt before the bathroom. Arizona was the first one to see her, to actually see her, since Derek died, and even while high, she could feel Arizona’s presence creeping in. But those feelings fell away as her high tickled through her brain, down through her fingertips, slowing her heart. Amelia struggled to keep her eyes open but managed to pull her lips into an unreadable smile back to Arizona.

She dropped her own gaze to the table, staring at her purple drink. For a moment, she thought about getting crossed, about ordering an actual drink and letting her high and the alcohol dance through her veins.

The waiter came with the hummus appetizer, placing it between the two on the table. Amelia reached for one of the toasted bread slices and dipped it into the oiled dip in the center of the plate. Amelia felt Arizona’s eyes on her, but she hummed in delight at the savory flavors in the appetizer, unashamed. She let her eyes meet Arizona’s, but she couldn’t quite understand the look she was receiving.

“This is delicious,” Amelia said, wiping her still full mouth with the side of her hand. “Are you going to have some?”

“Amelia, you seem so different now,” Arizona said. Amelia stopped chewing and swallowed hard. Her brow furrowed on its own and she bit her bottom lip, annoyed.

“And you knew me so well before?” Amelia asked, a hint of disdain in her voice.

“That’s not what I meant,” Arizona backtracked. “I just mean that you used to be bubbly and funny and I don’t expect that of you after Derek, and Mer leaving…” she sighed. Amelia scoffed and raised an eyebrow.

“You seem so withdrawn now, Amelia. And you deserve someone to bring you back out of the shadows.”

She wiped her mouth with her napkin and sat back in the booth. Her head spun from the movement backward and Amelia kept her gaze down to her lap, picking at the ends of her sleeves. She had been here before. At the practice.

“And if I’m in the shadows, who’s going to bring me out?” Amelia asked. She didn’t bring her eyes up to meet Arizona’s, whose were fixed on her face, trying to read her face. It remained and empty slate. Even so, Amelia could sense Arizona biting her lower lip and glancing away, maybe thinking about whether she should reach out to Amelia, calculating if physical contact would help or hurt.

_You will always be someone’s child, Amelia._

_You’re going to hurt someone, and you can’t come back from that._

This was the intervention before the lowest low. But how could it get any worse than losing Ryan? Worse than screwing up her baby? And Arizona barely knew her. What could she say that Amelia didn’t already think about herself in the dead of night?

Amelia looked toward the bar to her left, but then looked back to her lap. She wanted to cry like she had that day, when Sheldon asked her for thirty days. This time, it wasn’t that she didn’t think she could do it, it’s that she didn’t have a reason to try. Every man she’d ever loved was dead, and the men that loved her she had pushed away.

Maybe Arizona thought Amelia should be brought out of the shadows, but Amelia didn’t think there was anyone left to drag her.

After a moment of silence, their waiter appeared and set down their matching entrees. He cleared a few items off the table to make space, filled each of their waters, and left with only an “enjoy.” Amelia sighed and scratched just above her ear, moving to get ready to eat. Or maybe to leave, she didn’t know which she should choose. Arizona’s small voice cut off her decision making though.

“Amelia, I need to apologize,” Arizona said in a quiet voice. Amelia looked up to see that Arizona hadn’t moved to start on her meal. Her forearms were both on the table on each side of the plate, her hands in loose fists. Her eyes pierced through the dark space between them.

“I just wanted to apologize for last night,” Arizona answered.

“It’s honestly fine.”

“I didn’t even say what I was sorry for,” Arizona replied, a hint of sarcasm lilting in between her words. “I want you to know that I am sorry for calling you Amy last night. I know Derek called you that, and it wasn’t my place to use that nickname without asking you first.”

Amelia couldn’t look at Arizona anymore. She had to look away from her. It was all too much. She was always having to explain herself everywhere she went. But Arizona just understood. It was overwhelming, and she couldn’t digest it while she was there, while she was high.

Her phone made a small ping from her pocket, and Amelia was thankful that the notification was audible in the quiet restaurant. She pulled it out and read the pop-up on her home screen. Any other night she would’ve been terrified to have gotten that text, but tonight changed everything.

“It’s Edwards, she’s on call,” Amelia explained to Arizona. “Sorry, I really have to take this. I’ll be right back.”

Amelia slowly got up from the booth for the second time that night. This time she walked toward the elevators in the hotel lobby. Hotels almost always have an unused staircase nearby, and Amelia quickly found it. She paced back and forth, a small line becoming clean from the dust moving beneath her feet.

She read the text conversation, again and again, trying to memorize the words.

_Hey Amelia, I think you butt-dialed me earlier. Are you doing okay? -C_

_My brother is dead. How would you be doing? A_

_I’d be high as a kite. Call me again if you need anything. C_

Amelia walked up half a flight of stairs and sat on the landing between floors. She took a staggering breath and tapped Charlotte’s contact on her phone. She hit the small icon under her name and lifted the phone to her ear. Amelia couldn’t see, tears welling in her eyes, and she moved her hand to grab the railing just above her shoulder. It didn’t stabilize her as she had hoped, and a tear rolled down her cheek.

“Amelia?” Charlotte’s comforting southern accent was muffled by a small amount of static on the line. “Amelia, are you there?”

“Charlotte?” Amelia started, but the lump in her throat wouldn’t move so that she could continue. She tried to draw air into her nose, making a small sniffle, but she felt like she couldn’t catch her breath.

“Amelia, are you in trouble?” Charlotte asked. Care dripped from her voice and Amelia almost hung up at hearing that.

“Charlotte, I’m high right now,” Amelia choked out. The words fell out between small sobs. “I’ve been getting high every night for the past three weeks. Alone. Never before work and I haven’t been on call. I had it under control, but I don’t…”

Amelia trailed off, sobbing and trying to wipe the tears from her cheeks with her sleeve.

“After tonight, I don’t think I can control it. I want more oxy, I want to be high.”

There was silence on the other end of the phone, and if she couldn’t hear Cooper in the background, she would have thought they had been disconnected. Amelia pictured Charlotte’s face, the same as that day in the lobby of Seaside Wellness. Heartbroken. Scared. Itching to be high, too.

“What changed Amelia?” Charlotte asked. “What about tonight makes you think you can’t get out?”

Amelia’s tears stopped. Everything stopped. She wiped the wetness from her face and shook out the ends of her sleeves. She stood up from where she had been sitting and walked down the flight of stairs.

“You know what, I can’t do this,” Amelia said, the tone in her voice even. “Forget I said anything, Charlotte. I’ll be fine.”

Amelia hung up the phone before she could hear Charlotte’s protests. If she had let that go on any longer, Charlotte would’ve been on the first flight to Seattle, and she couldn’t handle that right now. It had been a mistake to call her.

Amelia called a cab and walked back to the restaurant. She paced over to the table where Arizona was still sitting, patiently waiting for her return. Amelia almost felt bad for running, but she had to get away from Arizona. Enough damage had been done in the past 24 hours. Arizona would understand her reasoning, even if what came out of her mouth was a lie.

“Hey, it turns out Edwards needs my help, so I called a cab.”

Arizona looks lost, and Amelia can just make out the hurt as it flashes across her eyes.

“Are you sure you don’t need a ride? I can pay the bill and we can wrap these to-go?” Arizona was still so kind to her. After being abandoned all night by Amelia. Amelia couldn’t understand how Arizona had so much to give her. But she didn’t feel able to figure that out at the moment.

“No, that’s fine,” Amelia said as her phone started ringing. The cab service was letting her know her car had arrived. “This should be them. Thank you, though.”

Amelia fled the restaurant quickly, leaving her food behind. She gave the driver the address to Mer’s house and watched the rain roll down the window from the back seat of the cab. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm excited to show you guys where this story is going! I have a lot of ideas for more chapters, and it'll start moving a little faster from here.  
> As always, feedback is helpful!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to start by letting you all know that I googled everything in here about surgery, so I have no idea if it's right. Hope you like this chapter!

Amelia had successfully avoided Arizona for a week. In that time, she had used nineteen times, smoked four packs of cigarettes, and silenced eight calls from Charlotte. If Arizona had thought she was in the shadows before, she had no idea how dark it could get for Amelia.

Amelia’s skin itched a bit as she scrubbed in for her next surgery. She had just stepped back in from her smoke five minutes ago, but she was getting high more frequently and desire crept in more quickly and feverishly now because of it. Instead of that, she focused on her scrub, lathering the soap up her forearms. She had just finished drying and was holding her arms above her waist when the door behind her opened suddenly.

“Um hey,” Arizona greeted. Her lips pulled into a small, nervous smile, and Amelia could read the discomfort, the pain, on her face. As much as she had been avoiding Arizona, it seemed that Arizona had too felt the need to keep the distance. That made Amelia wonder why she chose this moment to break the silence.

“Hi,” Amelia responded. “Did you need something? I just scrubbed for my aneurysm clip.” She tried to keep the annoyance from her voice. She wasn’t necessarily annoyed at Arizona, who was just trying to help her. She was more annoyed at what had become of her attempts at help.

“So,” Arizona started, hesitantly. “I wouldn’t normally ask, especially with your sobriety, but I was just wondering…”

Arizona had trailed off and was looking through the glass that separated the scrub room and the OR. Amelia shifted her weight from her right foot to her left and sighed.

“Arizona, I’m going to have to re-scrub, what were you going to ask?”

“Right, sorry” Arizona looked back towards Amelia. “I was just wondering if you would come to trivia with me tonight. Callie has Sofia and I just thought it would be fun.”

Amelia sighed and checked the clock above the scrub sink. She had exactly thirty seconds to either brush Arizona off, like her cravings wanted her to, or agree. And she wasn’t sober, but would she be able to go to a bar and not order something? It was a bad idea to say yes. Amelia looked back to Arizona, their eyes meeting, and somehow, she felt compelled to agree to the plans. She sighed again.

“Can I get back to you after my surgery?” Amelia settled for maybe. “After this, I want to check on a patient that came in the ER. I was paged for a neuro consult after an MVC and it looked clear, but I want to double-check.”

Arizona smiled and nodded. Amelia caught a twinkle in her blue eyes and felt her stomach pull.

"Sure, of course,” Arizona turned toward the door. “Text me, I’ll come find you.”

Arizona walked out of the scrub room and Amelia walked into her OR. A nurse gowned and gloved her, and she took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

 _It’s a beautiful day to save lives._ She had begun using Derek’s mantra instead of her own. Amelia didn’t feel justified in calling herself a superhero anymore. She was merely skating by, running on fumes, chasing her high. There was nothing super about her life, but she could save people if she controlled herself long enough to get through her workdays.

Amelia began, with Edwards at her side, by performing a craniotomy. Edwards beautifully described each step of the procedure, and together they exposed the brain tissue below the patient’s skull. The two surgeons took in the sight of the aneurysm in front of them, noting aspects that hadn’t appeared on any of their imaging. Amelia asked Stephanie to recall their plan to resect the margins of the aneurysm.

“First, you’ll go in and ligate the aneurysm from the blood vessels,” Edwards stated, all the while irrigating the tissue. “Then you will place a clip to prevent further blood flow to the mass.”

“Very good, Edwards,” Amelia said. She moved to follow the steps as stated. At this point, about thirty minutes had passed since scrubbing in, and Amelia’s mind was far away from her itch. And from Arizona. But as she glanced up to the gallery, something she had grown very accustomed to since starting at Grey Sloan, her mind was drawn back to Arizona’s invite.

Arizona was the sole audience member, leaned back in her chair, reading an electronic chart on one of the hospital’s tablets. Amelia felt her stomach pull again. Arizona had said she’d find Amelia, but she had just assumed that meant she’d meet her in the lounge, not watch her surgery.

“Something wrong, Dr. Shepherd?” Edwards asked. Amelia looked towards the resident and knew Stephanie had followed her glance up to the gallery. Edwards probably knew her, knew how she ticked, better than anyone else in the hospital, so when she asked the question, Amelia knew it was meant to be coy.

“Of course not,” Amelia said, sighing. “I just wonder why Dr. Robbins is choosing to watch an aneurysm clip out of a multitude of things she could be doing right now.”

Amelia glanced up and raised an eyebrow at Arizona, who met her gaze. Amelia was too far to be able to tell, but she knew Arizona’s cheeks were glowing pink. Arizona reached up, not even getting out of her seat, to the intercom and switched it on.

“Eyes on the prize, Edwards,” Arizona said. Edwards took an awkward breath and looked back down the microscope. Amelia’s gaze lingered a little longer and a smirk crossed her face. Arizona didn’t break eye contact.

Amelia and Edwards continued to separate the aneurysm from healthy brain tissue. They were another thirty minutes in when Amelia’s attention was drawn away by the incessant buzzing of a phone in the background. She could feel her patience and focus thinning out as the phone continued to ring.

“Whose phone is that?” Amelia snapped. Everyone in the OR collectively held their breath waiting for someone to respond.

“Um it’s yours, Dr. Shepherd,” a scrub nurse informed them. The interns observing audibly sighed in relief and earned a glare from Amelia. “It’s from a Charlotte King, there are also two other missed calls from her and a handful of texts.”

“Fuck,” Amelia whispered, under her breath. The only one who could hear her was Edwards, who thankfully stayed in her lane and continued to irrigate the field. Amelia glanced back up at Arizona, whose attention had been drawn from her charts.

“Dr. Shepherd, this last text seems… urgent, did you want to take it?”

Amelia’s eyes flickered between the cavity in front of her and the resident beside her. If she needed, if this went south and she had to break scrub, the patient was in good hands with Edwards. But it was risky. It helped that no one knew about her time in LA, but also there was nothing stopping them from wondering what happened. Amelia was doing mental gymnastics when she was interrupted.

“Dr. Shepherd, did you want to take this call?”

“Um, yes,” Amelia said hesitantly. She spoke softly, a small hitch between her words. “Please put it on speakerphone and bring it closer.”

The scrub nurse walked over and slid their thumb across the screen to answer. The phone unlocked with a click and the OR immediately filled with Charlotte’s southern drawl.

“Amelia,” Charlotte’s stern voice caught everyone by Amelia off guard. “Amelia where are you right now?”

“Charlotte, I am in surgery right now,” Amelia responded. Her tone was even, but only a fool would mistake that for an absence of annoyance. “I am currently clipping an aneurysm, what did you need?”

Amelia stubbornly kept her eyes trained down the microscope, inspecting the field. She instructed Edwards to irrigate, and the cavity was carefully flushed with water.

“Should you be in surgery now, Amelia?” Charlotte said. Edwards glanced at Amelia with confusion, but Amelia did not glance away from her lenses.

“Yes, Charlotte,” Amelia bit. “Because if I don’t perform this surgery, this patient’s aneurysm could burst, and then they could die.” Amelia bit her tongue in frustration. Edwards shifted her weight from her left to her right foot, her upper body moving slightly away from her attending.

“You know what I mean, Amelia.” Charlotte’s voice dropped low. Amelia thought back to the night she operated on Pete after falling off the bar in LA. She wasn’t just tipsy that night, though giving herself stitches definitely sobered her up a bit. She pulled off his surgery then, and this one was more routine. And even so, she wasn’t high, a fact she was growing painfully more aware of with every second.

Amelia asked the surgical technician for the clip and was handed it in her right hand.

“I am fine, Charlotte,” Amelia said. “I told you I didn’t need your help.”

Amelia finished placing the clip and set everything in her hands on the surgical tray to her right. She took off her gloves, grabbed her phone from the nurse, and hung up the phone. All eyes were on her as she turned to Edwards.

“Can you please close up and make sure they get to post-op?” Amelia said, sighing. Edwards nodded loyally, probably excited for the practice. Amelia turned away from the room and walked towards the scrub room. She stripped herself of her gown and made her way to the door. She discarded her booties in the receptacle outside. Amelia leaned against the wall, letting her head fall back, and raising her left hand to cover her eyes.

Charlotte had no right to insinuate that she was putting her patients in danger. Even in disclosing her use to Charlotte, Amelia made it very clear that she wasn’t putting anyone else in harm’s way. It wasn’t her intention to let her use get in the way this time. But if Charlotte was calling during surgery, badgering her about it, was it staying out of the way?

“You okay?”

Amelia drew her hand away from her face, letting it fall down to her side. Her eyes met Arizona’s. She remembered that Arizona had heard the entire phone call. Arizona knew about her addiction; she was there the day she was outted in the hospital. Amelia tried to read Arizona’s face, looking for some kind of sign telling her that she knew. But all she could see was empathy.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Amelia let out with a sigh. She knew Arizona would know she was lying, but that it would keep her off her back for at least a little while.

“Let’s go to trivia.” Surprise flashed across Arizona’s face.

“What about your other patient?”

Amelia had briefly forgotten about her patient from the ER. There really hadn’t been much to worry about with them, nothing that she couldn’t be paged for anyway.

“I’ll text Edwards and ask her to follow up,” Amelia replied. “She’s on-call tonight anyway.”

“Okay,” Arizona said, shooting Amelia a warm smile. “Go get changed and we can go.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all I am so sorry that it took a while for me to write this! I am taking a class for grad school that is every day for three hours for three weeks straight and my brain could only write in short spurts! Tell your friends about the new chapter though! :)   
> As always, let me know what you think!!
> 
> ellie

Arizona sat across from her in the booth, writing on their scorecard. The lights were dim, and the bar smelled musty and her shoes stuck to the floor from years of alcohol coating it. Amelia hadn’t been in a bar since recovering back in Santa Monica, and the smell brought back memories. Dancing on top of bars, flirting with men, flirting with women. Feeling _really_ good.

Amelia took a staggering breath, taking her eyes off of her surroundings and landing them back on the woman opposite her. Arizona met her gaze and smiled brightly at her. Amelia smiled back, just a small one, her head still somewhere else. She flashed back to Charlotte speaking to her at her intervention.

_You’re going to kill someone, Amelia. And you can’t come back from that._

Amelia’s head shook slightly, not enough for anyone else to see, but she felt it. Charlotte was only half right. Ryan died, and she felt immense guilt for his death, but she hadn’t killed anyone by getting high. Not yet at least. The voice in her head begged, grasped at anything that would keep her sober enough to keep that true. But the itch dared her to play the odds.

Amelia wrung her hands together under the table, bringing her attention away from drugs and back to the bar. A great distraction. Arizona had just finished marking up their scorecard in preparation for the game. Amelia watched Arizona put the pencil down and check her writing. Amelia didn’t know if she was quite ready for them to begin talking, so as Arizona looked up from the card, Amelia began sliding back out of the booth.

“Can I get you anything to drink?” Amelia said, standing up fully. Arizona’s eyes widened and her mouth pierced, most likely wondering what to order.

“You can order a drink, Arizona,” Amelia clarified. “I won’t burst into flames.”

Arizona let out a shaky laugh, her bright eyes running from Amelia’s own down to her hands, clasped where the hem of her shirt met her jeans. Arizona was studying her, and Amelia couldn’t figure out if it was flirty or just curiosity. It didn’t really matter, and Amelia raised her eyebrows to elicit a response from the blonde.

“I’ll just have a diet,” Arizona said, fiddling with the corner of the scorecard. “Thanks.”

Amelia turned away and walked toward the bar. It felt very strange to be sober in a bar. Even stranger to be slightly withdrawing from oxy and pretending to be sober. But Arizona seemed determined to meet Amelia where she was at, which was nice. The kindness Arizona showed her would be better received if it wasn’t met with her lies at every corner. She got to the bar, immediately garnering the attention of the bartender. She raised her right hand with two fingers for clarity.

“Two diets please,” Amelia said. Her gaze faltered, flittering from meeting the bartender’s eyes to the sticky hardwood of the bar between them. The girl behind the bar, who couldn’t be older than 20, pulled two glasses from beneath the bar to the top of it. She scooped ice into each glass and topped it off with the foaming soda. She tapped the spout of the fountain on the second glass before sliding them over to Amelia, handing her two square napkins before turning around to open a tab.

Amelia took a glass in each hand, the paper napkins between her right index finger and the cool glass. She walked back to their table, setting the first glass down, placing the napkins, and moving both glasses atop them. Amelia slid into her side of the booth and took a sip of her drink. It was still over-carbonated, and her nose wrinkled at the sensation of the air bubbles popping. 

“So, who’s Charlotte?” Arizona asked. Her eyes were trained on Amelia, who met her gaze. It caught her off guard, the question and the eye contact. She didn’t know how to answer, if she even wanted to answer. Amelia knew she didn’t owe Arizona any of her story, but maybe she owed it to herself to disclose that part of her to Arizona.

“Charlotte,” Amelia started hesitantly, “is the chief of surgery at St. Ambrose Hospital.” She sipped her diet and watched Arizona do the same.

“We worked together when I was at the practice. We got close.”

Amelia gave Arizona a solemn look but broke eye contact. Arizona took another sip of her diet coke, swirling the ice in her glass as she set it down.

“Like, lesbian lover close, or…?” Arizona trailed off and watched as soda almost came out of Amelia’s noise. She coughed slightly and sputtered.

“No, Arizona,” Amelia said when she could. “God, no, Charlotte is happily married to a great guy. Charlotte saw me through my last recovery. She’s like what I have with Richard.”

Amelia glanced to the bar, feeling eyes on her. There was a person with a microphone, reading cards in their hand, most likely the host of trivia night. Sitting just downwind of the bar from the host were two women, looking over their shoulder at both her and Arizona. Amelia turned back and took another sip of coke.

“So, are you any good at trivia, or are we going to place last?” Amelia joked. Arizona laughed, the bright sound fluttering through the bar.

“You know, I’m not actually sure,” Arizona said. Amelia raised an eyebrow in questioning and Arizona chuckled. “Well, I mean I usually come with Richard and he usually carries the team.”

“Hey there,” a new voice interrupted their conversation, and Amelia suddenly realized why Richard had to carry the trivia game. She turned to see two women, specifically the two that were just watching them from the bar. One was standing slightly behind the other, probably in a similar situation to Amelia. The one who had greeted them had long blonde hair and was wearing a black dress that hugged her figure. Her brunette friend had on a white pencil skirt and a black shirt. Amelia met the second girl’s eyes, reading anxiety behind the surface of her face.

Amelia turned back to raise an eyebrow at Arizona, taking a sip of her drink once again. Arizona did promise this night would be fun, but trivia hadn’t even started, and it seemed the real game had already begun.

“We noticed you two sitting alone and we were wondering if you needed a few more players for the game,” the blonde flashed Amelia a dazzling smile. Amelia watched Arizona size up the two women from the corner of her eye. The blonde put her right hand on the table, checking Amelia out intensely.

“We aren’t playing to win,” Arizona said, demanding the blonde’s attention. Arizona smiled at the girl coyly. “I’d hate to see you two lose because of us.”

There was an edge to Arizona’s voice that Amelia had never encountered before. Maybe it was because she had always seen Arizona in the context of the hospital and its doctors. Amelia oddly liked the protective energy Arizona was giving off. Amelia and Arizona connected eyes and shared an indescribable moment. The two women took the hint and moved to walk away.

“Alright,” the blonde replied, “good luck.”

Amelia smirked at Arizona as the two women walked away. Arizona sipped her drink and shrugged her shoulders.

“I can see why Richard had to carry the game,” Amelia joked. “The brunette was obviously into you, why didn’t you go for it?”

“Because I’m here to play trivia with you, Amelia.”

Amelia leaned back in the booth, crossing her arms. She somehow didn’t think that was Arizona’s only motivation for turning down the company. But before they could lightly bicker over that, the host announced the start of the round, and the two began answering the questions.

They actually did pretty well that round. Amelia would answer the questions about pop culture and history, while Arizona excelled in geography. Obviously, they both did well with the science and math questions. They ended up placing second after the first round, after which Arizona excused herself and headed toward the bathroom. Amelia was alone for approximately thirty seconds before someone slid into the booth across from her.

“I thought you two weren’t playing to win?” the blonde sitting across from her said. She had two highball glasses in front of her, still in her hands. She pushed one towards Amelia and took a sip from the other. As the glass came closer, Amelia could smell alcohol. The glass looked identical to the one she had just finished, but she suspected that it was a rum and coke instead. Amelia swallowed, feeling the itch just below her skin.

“Beginner’s luck, I guess,” Amelia replied, making no move toward the drink. She looked towards the bathrooms, seeing a line forming down the small hallway. Everyone seemed to have the same idea, like an intermission at a show.

“Oh, come on,” the blonde said, drawing Amelia’s attention back. “I just wanted to show you that I’m not a sore loser.”

The blonde gestured toward the drink, and Amelia smiled awkwardly. She mumbled a small thanks, still not making a motion to drink it. The girl glanced towards the bathroom, and when she saw Arizona heading back, she let out a sigh.

“What’s your name, beautiful?” Amelia watched with wide eyes as the blonde stood up. She stopped, waiting for her answer.

“Um,” she hesitated. “Amelia.”

“Well, Amelia,” the blonde started. Amelia could hear the click of Arizona’s boots growing louder as she got near. Suddenly, Amelia’s senses were overwhelmed by a sweet smell as the blonde leaned in to whisper in her ear.

“I’d like to congratulate the winner properly. Find me when you win.”

Amelia gasped softly at that, and she watched the blonde smirk as she drew away.

“Enjoy the drink,” she said, leaving a napkin on the table as she turned away. She almost bumped into Arizona, who stood her ground, making the girl maneuver around her to get back to her seat at the bar. Both Amelia and Arizona watched as the girl sat. Arizona glanced at the drink and the napkin she had left.

“Rebecca,” Arizona read. “And she left her number. Did you two hit it off while I was gone?”

Arizona was smiling when she said it, but the smile didn’t reach her eyes. Maybe she was just being protective of Amelia, knowing she was sober. Maybe it was something she couldn’t quite understand yet—the same reason Arizona invited her to dinner a week ago.

“Uh, no,” Amelia said. “She bought me a drink to congratulate us for getting second in that round.”

Amelia leaned forward with her forearms on the table. She tilted her head toward the drink, not looking away from Arizona. Her hands were folded together, her fingers picking at one another. Arizona leaned forward, mirroring Amelia. When she got closer, her face changed, concern taking over her features.

“Do you want me to order another diet and I can take this one?”

Amelia became very aware of how deeply Arizona cared about her. Cared about her sobriety. She knew she should let the warmth of Arizona’s care creep in, let it engulf her completely, but her blood ran cold knowing that her sobriety was long gone. A pang of guilt struck in her stomach.

“Arizona,” Amelia said, and Arizona’s eyes were intensely trained on her. “I um—alcohol was never actually a vice for me.”

 _Bad idea, Ames._ But the lie got Arizona to sit back down and let out a breath she had been holding. The two remained silent, Arizona watching Amelia as she reached for the glass. Amelia took a sip, relishing in the sharp taste of the cheap rum as is ran down her throat. A twisted part of her was relieved because now she had an excuse to be off the deep end. An alibi.

The second round of trivia came and went quickly after that. Amelia had finished her drink by the end of the round, and Arizona had joined her, sipping on her Moscow mule. They had won first place that round, it having been saturated with science questions. Amelia glanced over at Rebecca, who winked back at her. A waiter brought two more drinks to them, announcing that they were from Rebecca and her friend.

Arizona and Amelia chatted about the round, sharing stories of undergrad and med school, where they had learned the answers. By the time she had finished her second drink, Amelia was a bit past tipsy. She hadn’t had a drink in years, and it made her a lightweight.

Amelia felt good. The last round hadn’t started yet, but she was ready to leave. She felt a rush of courage and leaned in closer to Arizona.

“Let’s get out of here,” she said softly. Arizona’s mouth opened slightly, and her eyes fluttered back and forth between Amelia’s own. Amelia bit her lip and kept her eyes trained on Arizona. The blonde got up and went to the bar to pay, gaining the attention of the girls sitting there.

Once Arizona got back, she grabbed her purse, and Amelia stood up, shaking a bit, but grabbed her own bag. Amelia took Arizona’s hand to lead her out of the bar. She met Rebecca’s eye from across the room, and she winked suggestively. This Amelia wasn’t shy and she wanted Rebecca to know the intentionality of her leaving. Amelia pushed open the door and quickly pulled Arizona toward the small alley to their left.

Amelia spun Arizona around and lightly pushed her back so that she was pressed against the brick wall. Her left hand was pressed against the brick to the side of Arizona, her right resting on Arizona’s waist. Amelia pressed their chests together, mixing their breaths together. Amelia smelled the ginger lingering on Arizona’s breath. It mixed well with the sweet smell of her hair. Amelia looked down at Arizona’s lips and looked back up to see that Arizona’s eyes hand fluttered shut reactively. Amelia felt Arizona’s chest shutter as she let out a staggering breath.

“What are we doing?” Arizona asked, her voice shaking. Amelia watched Arizona’s eyes open and focus, her pupils dilating a bit.

“Is this not what you want?” Amelia asked, her voice breathy. She knew Arizona liked her; she wasn’t blind. All it took for Amelia to act on their mutual attraction was a bit of liquid courage.

Amelia leaned in and felt warmth radiating through her. Her lips met Arizona’s and she bathed in the sensation. Her lips were soft and pliable, moving in response to her own anxious movements. She tasted sweet, just as sweet as Arizona’s personality. Amelia noted how fun it felt to be intimate with someone again. She was feeling excited and she let that energy turn her nerves into dominance.

Still pressing her lips against Arizona’s, Amelia moved her hand from the brick wall to Arizona’s neck. She playfully, lightly grasped Arizona’s neck in her hand for a moment but moved it so her fingers tangled in the long locks of blonde hair. Amelia pressed her body closer to Arizona’s.

Amelia was caught off guard, losing her balance slightly as Arizona quickly turned them around. Amelia felt her back harshly meet the brick and savored the rough feeling. Before their lips were able to meet again, the two heard their purses fall heavily to the ground, followed by the rattles of the items falling out of them. The two women met eyes and softly let out a giddy breath. Arizona turned her head to make note of what had spilled. Amelia watched as Arizona’s face changed from flirty to shocked. Amelia turned to see what had fallen.

The content of their bags had mixed haphazardly together, a few tampons and lipsticks splayed out on the ground. Amelia followed Arizona’s eyes and her blood ran cold. Sitting there was a small bag of oxy, one she hadn’t even realized she was carrying with her. Her eyes widened and she turned to meet Arizona’s.

“Arizona, it’s not…” but Amelia was cut off before she could continue.

“Amelia, are you high?” Arizona asked. All flirtation had left the pair, and they stood, still holding each other as if they forgot they were even touching.

“No, I’m not I swear,” Amelia said hastily. She pushed off the wall, bending down to stuff the pills back in her bag. She scooped up her things and made distance between them. 

“Then why do you have those in your bag?” Arizona’s voice raised slightly, and it put Amelia on the defense.

“I can’t do this,” Amelia said, moving to walk past Arizona, who was standing between her and the street. Arizona stepped in her way and Amelia quickly backed away, afraid to get closer to Arizona.

“Amelia,” Arizona started, empathy flooding her voice. “Let me take you to a meeting.”

Amelia looked into Arizona’s eyes. If she wasn’t drunk, she would have felt endeared by the care Arizona showed her. But all she wanted to do was get high.

“I don’t need a meeting,” Amelia said sharply. She tried to push past Arizona again but was cut off.

“Arizona, let me go.” 

“Amelia, please,” Arizona pleaded with her. This time, Amelia successfully pushed past Arizona, but the blonde turned to grab her wrist.

“Let me help you.”

Amelia shook Arizona off and walked away. She didn’t look back, but rather grabbed a cab and dictated her address to the driver. When she got there, Amelia took out the bag of pills, splayed them on the counter. She crushed a pill and inhaled the powder. She sent the chief an email saying that she would be out on leave for a week or so.


	7. Chapter 7

Twelve Days. Amelia’s last bender was twelve days in Santa Monica. This bender lasted three weeks.

Amelia didn’t have a concept of time, though. It could’ve been three hours if she was just going by her sense of time. But based on the cluster of red welts on her left arm, it had to be longer than three hours. She didn’t remember when she began shooting up, but each time that Amelia started to come down from the high, she reached for the needle and tied the band around her bicep.

She used to be afraid of needles, even well into med school. Always had to look away to get the flu shot. It wasn’t until she met Ryan that she could look past the anxiety that welled in her stomach. Honestly, it might’ve just been the drugs, she never could tell. But that morning, when she woke up and saw the sun streaming through the crack in the curtains, the first thing she reached for, the first thing she craved was a needle.

Amelia pulled the band above her elbow so that the knot untied and snapped from the tension. She placed the band between her teeth and tossed the needle to the bedside table on her left. The movements were practiced and quick, and just as soon as she finished throwing the band next to the needle, Amelia leaned back and relaxed into her high. She breathed in and let a shaky, blissful breath.

The high didn’t last very long. Amelia began coming down in what felt like seconds and she reached for her phone. She didn’t keep a lot of oxy around the house for a handful of reasons: routine, the chance that Meredith came back with the kids, overdose. Amelia had just enough to get her through finding her next stash. She maxed out with the junkie doctor she had been scoring from, and she didn’t have a prescription pad on her at the house. Amelia looked at the time, ignoring the countless missed calls and text messages that had built up over the weeks. In two hours, shifts would change over at the hospital, she could go grab a pad and fill the order on her way home. She would figure out who to write it for, since she couldn’t write it for herself.

Amelia went down to the kitchen and pulled out Meredith’s tequila. It would keep her mind off the withdrawal. The bottle had one of those spouts they had at bars, Derek kept his home classy even in death. She pulled out a glass and poured a bit more than a healthy amount and brought it to her lips. Amelia walked over to the couch and sat, her feet coming up to rest on the coffee table. She closed her eyes and sipped her drink, relishing in the burning down the back of her throat. The buzz in her head, the tingle beneath her skin.

The next time she opened her eyes, she checked her phone and an hour and a half had past. Amelia put the glass on the kitchen counter and grabbed her purse from its place on the stairs. She planned to walk from the house to the ferry and from the ferry to the hospital and she had to make sure she could pay for the fair. She walked to the front door, grabbing her key from her purse to lock up behind her. Amelia opened the door and her gaze shifted from her hand on the knob to the figure in front of her.

“Thank god you’re alive,” the blonde said before engulfing her in a tight hug. Amelia refused to, or possibly even couldn’t, take in what was going on. Within a few moments though, she was let go and held at a distance. Amelia hadn’t moved to hug the person back.

“Charlotte, what are you doing here?” Amelia asked. She pulled the sleeves of her leather jacket down into her tightly held fists, out of both nervous habit and to hide the tell-tale trail up her arm. She crossed her arms, and squeezed her fists tighter, gearing up for the tough conversation ahead.

“Amelia,” Charlotte started. “No one here has seen you in weeks. You haven’t been returning any phone calls, and at first I thought you were just mad at me, so I brushed it off.”

Amelia rolled her eyes at Charlotte and brought her gaze anywhere but on the woman standing before her. She checked her phone and noted how quickly her window was closing. She gritted her teeth, coming down further from her high than she cared to be. How sobering it was to be confronted by someone you couldn’t help but keep hurting.

“When your friend called me, I knew something else was up and I caught the first flight here.”

The only people who would’ve remembered Charlotte from years ago were both dead. Or also wasn’t returning any phone calls. And it isn’t like she had a lot of friends now. Richard probably would’ve considered her a friend if she hadn’t pulled away. But he wouldn’t have called Charlotte. There was one person that she had kept close though that knew of Charlotte.

“I am going to kill that resident,” Amelia said, frustration written on her face.

“Amelia, a resident didn’t call me,” Charlotte replied, confusion and concern written on her face.

The last thing Amelia saw was Charlotte reaching her hand out to her before her vision went black and she fell to the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! This one is a short one, but I will update within the week! I think you'll agree that the ending needs a little air following it.   
> As always I love your comments, they inspire me tremendously! 
> 
> Ellie


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY first of all I am BIG sorry for procrastinating this. I was so drained from my winter intensive class, but I'm back bbs!! Thank you for being so patient and leaving your comments!   
> ellie

“Tell me about the first time you got high.”

Amelia watched the leaves of a plant wave in the breeze coming from the radiator in front of the windowsill it sat on. Each leaf bobbed up and down as it was blown between the spaces where gravity did and didn’t have a hold of it. Instinctively, Amelia bit down on the second knuckle of her right index finger, her attention not drawn away from the window.

She was sitting in a modern lounge chair, one that looked new, though it had probably been sat in by tens, maybe hundreds, of people. There was a table in front of her seat, a random assortment of items laying on it. A sand garden, a pad of paper and a pen, two coasters. The back of Amelia’s neck twinged, and she tried to hide how it bothered her. She looked toward the other person in the room.

“I, uh,” Amelia started. “I was in high school. My friend gave me one of her mom’s painkillers while we were home alone after school. I remember feeling bliss for the first time in ages and never wanting to look back.”

Amelia had already gone through that conversation; she did that work back before college. It wasn’t something she wanted to say out loud, but it wasn’t hard for her to do it. It didn’t make her feel shame anymore. But this kind of conversation needs context, so she reluctantly gave it.

“And this time?” the woman asked. “The first time you got high this time, what was that like?”

Amelia looked up to the ceiling, trying to keep her walls up while simultaneously feeling the impact of them caving around her. She was 3 weeks clean and in mandatory therapy until she could get the sign off to go back to work. This wasn’t her rock bottom. No one died, there was no rehab, the withdraw wasn’t painful. Just daily individual therapy to get at the root of her relapse.

Amelia wanted badly to get high. The mental cravings were always much worse than the physical withdraw; that’s what really made her a bitch on wheels. But she wanted even more so to clean up the mess she had made in the wake of her relapse. So, she breathed in a shaky breath and looked to her hands as they knotted in her lap.

“I guess I uh,” Amelia made a small sarcastic chuckle under her breath. “I wanted to manage the pain of all the loss in my life.”

Her therapist wrote something down, it couldn’t have been more than two words.

“And did it manage the pain? The drugs?”

“Yes,” Amelia answered quickly, not even realizing that would come out of her mouth. “For a while, I had it controlled. I wasn’t an addict, just a user. I used twice a day, managing my cravings at work so that I wouldn’t hurt anyone. And it was fine until it wasn’t.”

Amelia made eye contact with her therapist, but let her eyes drift to observe her body language. She felt watched. Her therapist was sitting quietly, her focus unwavering as she looked at Amelia. Her legs were crossed, out of comfort rather than communication. Her pencil (she often erased her notes during session) was lazily resting in her right hand, which was draped over her lap. But it was her face that scared Amelia.

Her therapist looked at her with empathy and understanding. Her eyebrows raised to show she was listening to listen, not to reply or advise. Even with Derek, who had been a supporter throughout her life, she never felt given the time or space to feel or grieve or talk. But this therapist, she didn’t let judgment come to the surface, she just listened and heard.

“What happened to make you lose that control?”

Amelia paused.

“Fear.”

They didn’t make much progress after that, they only had 5 minutes and they agreed it would be too heavy to take on that day. Amelia was hoping she would get away with not talking about it tomorrow, but her therapist always brought it back around the next day.

Amelia put on her coat, fisting her right hand in her pocket as she reached for the door that her therapist was showing her out. Like clockwork, Arizona turned the corner and smiled brightly at Amelia, whose face remained tight and emotionless. She let Arizona walk her to the parking lot, and they got in Arizona’s car and pulled away. It was raining, because when was it not in Seattle.

Amelia could only remember glimpses of the hospital. She remembers seeing Cooper comforting Charlotte on the other side of the glass door outside her room in the ICU. Edwards checking her vitals and mumbling comforting words under her breath, a prayer that she’d pull through. More often than not, Arizona would be sleeping in the chair by her bed.

Even when Amelia had been wide awake, she didn’t speak. She knew they put her on methadone to keep her from withdrawing. Even though her body didn’t crave drugs, she remembered wanting to rip her IV out and go get high. With anything she could find, she’d even go to the streets if she couldn’t manage anything in the hospital. She remembers being so angry. That anger had since dissolved into discomfort and shame.

Arizona spoke endlessly as she drove with Amelia in the passenger seat. She talked about her patients, the tiny humans, and Sofia. Amelia wasn’t listening, rather looking out the window as the trees passed. Arizona took the bridge to get to Meredith’s house as opposed to the ferry. Amelia secretly knew it was because Arizona wanted to pretend she was still on the ground because the ferry was the quickest way to the house.

As they pulled into the driveway, Amelia watched Charlotte open the front door, holding her bag in her hand. She had been staying in Seattle to keep Amelia clean. Charlotte barely left her side for the past few weeks, coming everywhere except the shower. Amelia heard Arizona shift gears into park and immediately swung the passenger door open.

“Amelia,” Charlotte started.

“Are you leaving?” Amelia asked. Her voice was flat, as if her emotions weren’t welling up and lodging in her throat. She gulped but stared unwaveringly at Charlotte. She had years of practice hiding her emotions with intimidation.

“I am,” Charlotte replied. “Arizona offered to stay with you, and I am running out of vacation time.”

“Okay,” Amelia said. “Tell Cooper I say hi.”

Charlotte pulled her into a hug quickly and held her tightly for a while. Before letting go, Charlotte let her hand rub Amelia’s back slightly.

“I am always just a phone call away, Amelia.” Charlotte whispered into her hair. Amelia let herself relax into Charlotte’s arms and her head naturally tucked into her neck. They let go a moment later and Charlotte walked to the rental car she had been using. Arizona and Charlotte nodded to each other and Charlotte got into the car and backed out of the driveway.

Arizona let herself in while Amelia watched Charlotte drive away. In the time their hug lasted, Arizona had unloaded a bag of her own from the backseat. Amelia hadn’t noticed it on the car ride, but she watched as Arizona set it down by the couch in the living room. Arizona looked at the notifications that had accumulated on her phone on the drive to the house and the pocketed her phone.

“Where’s Sofia?” Amelia asked, finally letting herself think about the bigger implications of Charlotte’s departure.

“Sofia,” Arizona said with the smile she used with interns when she anticipated a bad outcome, “Sofia is with Callie. They’re going to New York for a few weeks to visit Callie’s girlfriend.”

Amelia could tell this caused Arizona a lot of pain. It was probably the reason why she volunteered to keep an eye on a recovering drug addict.

“You don’t have to watch me like a hawk, you know,” Amelia offered. She didn’t want to burden Arizona with her life since she had her own going on.

“Spending this time with you is about the only thing that will keep my mind off of my life, though,” Arizona replied. She glanced at her phone once more before sliding it across the counter where she stood. Amelia busied her hands by looking at the mail, and she pretended that it wasn’t all boring spam.

“So,” Arizona started. “How was therapy?”

Amelia raised an eyebrow at Arizona.

“Have you ever been to therapy?” Arizona chuckled lightly.

“Oh yeah,” she said emphatically. “I went for years. I liked being able to process all the big stuff going on with someone else.”

Amelia pretended to roll her eyes at that.

“To each their own, I guess.” The two laughed. “Therapy was fine. I kind of don’t want to go back because I of course let my guard down in the last few minutes and I know she’s going to bring it up again tomorrow.”

Arizona looked at her thoughtfully. Amelia felt seen once again under Arizona’s gaze, and fear flushed through her. She felt the urge to get high.

“Can I ask a favor?” Amelia said. Arizona nodded, the look on her face communicating that Amelia could ask her that any time.

“I know Charlotte went through the whole house before I was discharged from the hospital,” Amelia said. She had dropped her gaze to the counter, so she didn’t chicken out in asking. “But I’m guessing she didn’t think Mer’s tequila would be a problem.”

Amelia trailed off, but Arizona went straight for the cabinet before Amelia had to ask the question directly. She took the bottle, took the spout off the top, and poured it straight down the sink. For a moment, Amelia smelled the alcohol and wished she hadn’t said anything. But it was gone from the next breath she took, and she felt more secure.

“If Mer comes back, I’ll buy her a new one.” Arizona placed the bottle in the recycling bin and rinsed the sink with water before the alcohol could leave a sticky film on the metal. When Amelia saw her turn back towards her, she smiled in silent thanks.

“What are we going to do for the next few weeks, then?”

Amelia furrowed her brow in confusion.

“We?” She asked.

“Yeah, I’m going to stay with you until you get signed off,” Arizona replied. “I’ll take you to your appointments and then we will spend the time doing your therapy work or going to meetings, the whole deal.”

“Why would you do that for me?” Amelia asked, genuinely confused as to why a surgeon would drop everything for someone they merely worked with.

“Because, Amelia,” Arizona said. “It’s okay to be lonely, but you shouldn’t feel like you’re alone.”


	9. Chapter 9

_Amelia felt splitting pain in her wrist and light fighting its way past her closed eyelids. As her eyes adjusted to the lights, she noted the electrodes placed on her chest strategically. The drugs had fucked with her heart already. She made sure to not make any sudden movements, but she slowly took in the room around her hospital bed._

_It was Grey Sloan; she could tell by the color scheme. She was in the ICU still. She had two types of fluids tethered to her IV line, probably saline and pain killers? Probably not the latter, since virtually everyone knew, and her wrist hurt like hell._

_When she glanced out the door, Amelia noticed Edwards staring intensely at one of the tablets. She watched Edwards point to something on the screen and show it to Maggie. Maggie was a good doctor, she was in good hands. Amelia let her eyes close again, giving in to the exhaustion that comes with recovering. But she felt warmth in the otherwise cold and sterile room._

_Amelia fought to open her eyes again. She looked to the left of her bed and saw the crumpled body in the sole chair in the room. Blonde hair created a curtain between her and her company’s face, but Amelia knew who it was. For one, who else would be there? She pushed everyone away. And also, she saw Arizona’s leg propped up against the chair, probably discarded midway through the night._

_Amelia couldn’t keep her eyes open any longer and succumbed to darkness. She was still aware, though, and heard the door slide open._

_"Arizona,” the person whispered. There were footsteps towards the other woman and then she spoke again. “I brought you some coffee, when I got here this morning, I figured you had been here all night.”_

_Charlotte._

_“Thank you,” Arizona replied, sleepily. Amelia heard what she can only imagine was Arizona putting on her prosthetic and standing to accept the coffee._

_“Did she wake up at all through the night?” Charlotte asked. Amelia’s throat felt thicker, the concern in Charlotte’s voice choking her. Amelia would’ve shaken, fallen to her knees sobbing if she had the energy to do anything but breathe. She hated to hurt the people she loved, but she couldn’t seem to help but do it again and again._

“Tell me about what happens when you wake up from these dreams?”

Amelia looked at the clock. It felt like she had just spilled her guts for their entire hour, but it had been about 6 minutes. She sighed, frustrated, wanting anything but to tell her therapist what happened when she woke up from the dream. She regretted even saying anything when she was asked about her sleep since going home.

“I go to the bathroom and wish I still had my stash.” It wasn’t untruthful, but Amelia knew it wasn’t what her therapist was looking for.

“You want to get high after the dreams?”

“No,” Amelia couldn’t stop herself from saying it. “I would rather be clean than be high, I think.”

“What makes you miss your stash?”

Amelia sat quietly for a moment, thinking. Habit. Compulsion. Fear. None of them sat right with her and she didn’t want to commit herself to any of those things. She felt them all the time, but she didn’t want to be described by those words. It was as if saying them out loud would brand them onto her skin, a scarlet letter on her chest. 

“Everything?” Amelia tries, non-committal. “I used to get high in the morning instead of eating. I want to distance myself from the dream. I know I can’t have the drugs.” 

If her therapist was really as good as she said she was, she would be able to decode what Amelia had said. Amelia figured she had from the fact that she jotted a quick note down instead of responding.

“What does your day look like once you remember you aren’t going to get high?”

“I brush my teeth and have something small to eat,” Amelia started. “I text my resident about the patients we have coming in for follow-ups. I sit on the couch, reading my notes from med school, letting daytime television play in the background. I come here and stare at you, then Arizona comes to pick me up and we get food before going back home to sit around.”

Amelia wasn’t as bored as she made it seem, but she felt pressure to be doing more. It took a lot of energy for Amelia to go to therapy every day and stay clean. Normally, she threw herself into work and went to meetings to distract her, but this was completely the opposite. No shock of rehab, no distraction. Just facing everything head-on.

“I told you a few weeks ago that I would be reaching out to Charlotte and Arizona about how you were doing outside of session, do you remember that?”

Amelia distinctly remembered feeling like she was being coddled and watched like a child. Instead of letting that frustration well back up, she just nodded in response.

“I recently checked in with Arizona, and we agree that you seem ready to go back to work.”

Amelia’s eyes widened in surprise. She felt like she hadn’t made much progress since starting therapy.

“Are you sure?” Amelia asked sarcastically. The face she made, with a cocked eyebrow and half a smirk, had made it clear that she was joking, and Amelia was met with the satisfying sound of laughter lilting through the thick air between her and the therapist.

“Well, let’s see,” she started. “You are being honest about your dreams, you are staying in Arizona’s company outside of therapy, not sneaking away. You’re admitting that you think about getting high when others might try to hide that fact. With the condition that you should definitely still come in once a week, I don’t see a reason why you shouldn’t reintegrate yourself in your work.”

Amelia felt her chest freeze. Her body didn’t know how to react, and her mind was still a few paces back, trying to process what had been said. Her eyes looked back and forth to different places on the table in front of her. 

“How do you feel about me signing off on your return, Amelia?”

Amelia snapped out of her thoughts and came back to the present. She smiled, but fear was written in her eyes.

“Uh, good,” Amelia said. She sighed a breath out and her chest resumed moving, expanding and contracting.

“Do you want to meet again tomorrow, or will I see you next week?”

Amelia took this as her cue to relocate where she had set her bag. She thought about the question that had been asked of her. She began to stand, and her therapist rose to open the door for her.

“Next week should be fine,” Amelia answered.

“Alright, Amelia,” she held the door open and Amelia accepted it from her as she did every day. “I will see you next week, then.”

Amelia smiled at her before turning around and meeting eyes with Arizona. Like clockwork. Arizona, having obviously caught the end of the conversation, was smiling at her.

“Hmm,” Arizona said, holding out her purse, which Amelia held for her while she put on her coat. “Sounds like therapy went well today.”

“Oh, shut up,” Amelia said, pretending to shove the purse back towards Arizona.

“Come on,” Arizona said, starting her way towards the exit. “Let’s go celebrate with some ice cream.”

Amelia was glad that she could go back to work and that Arizona wasn’t worried about her. But it was a little weird for her that they were going to celebrate. Especially with Derek, her sobriety had been an expectation, and her getting clean was met with her family’s held breaths as they waited for her to relapse.

“We really don’t have to,” Amelia said. Arizona gave her a face that said _it wasn’t up for debate_. Amelia dropped any sort of argument she had been planning in her head at that look and just got in the passenger seat of Arizona’s car.

“Soft-serve or pints?” Arizona asked, turning the key in the ignition. The radio started playing some alt-pop Amelia only recognized from Arizona’s singing in the shower that she had to get used to in the past week or so. The car’s display flashed the title, _Shock to Your System – Tegan and Sara_ , and Amelia watched as Arizona flicked the volume down slightly all while turning to reverse out of the parking spot.

“Oh uh,” Amelia realized she never answered the question. “Pints, but let’s get toppings?”

Arizona turned back around in her seat and shifted from reverse to drive. She smiled and drove to the grocery store halfway between the hospital and the house. Amelia listened as Arizona hummed the songs as they played, singing under her breath for each chorus.

“Arizona,” Amelia started. Arizona flicked the volume down again to listen to Amelia more closely, which only made her more nervous to say anything. “Why are you so nice to me?”

“What do you mean?” Arizona asked back. Amelia sighed, not knowing quite what she even meant to ask.

“Like,” she paused. “Would you do any of this for all your friends?”

“No,” Arizona answered immediately but said nothing else. Amelia stared at Arizona’s profile and Arizona glanced at Amelia, her expression unchanging. “I wouldn’t do this for a friend.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I probably won't do more therapy scenes because it'll be a smaller part of Amelia's life but as a therapist-in-training, it was fun to write both sides of the conversation!!
> 
> Let me know what you think!!
> 
> Ellie


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's what yall deserve

“What, am I not your friend?” Amelia asked the question sarcastically, but she felt a pit in her stomach beginning to form. A sour taste formed in her mouth and Amelia’s thoughts raced desperately, trying to figure out where she had crossed the line bordering between friendship and toxicity. She needed so much to not have taken advantage of the kindness of another person in her life.

Arizona had pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store and parked in the front. Amelia watched as she swiftly pulled the parking brake situated between their seats and shifted her car into park. Arizona then reached into the console, pulled out a blue hanging tag and placed in on the mirror in front of them. Arizona moved her seat all the way back, and Amelia was temporarily distracted, realizing she didn’t know what Arizona was doing.

“Amelia,” Arizona started, sighing her name out. She stopped what she was doing, turning to focus on Amelia’s face. Amelia watched as Arizona’s eyes drifted from her own to her lips, the seat behind her, and then back to her eyes.

“I think we both know why I don’t consider you a friend,” Arizona said. “And with what happened at the bar, I thought the feeling was mutual.”

Amelia’s eyes drifted down to Arizona’s lips at the mention of their kiss. Amelia had almost forgotten that she had been the one to initiate that. Truthfully, she had almost forgotten it had happened, her mind only focused on the events that shortly followed.

"Listen,” Arizona broke Amelia out of her thoughts. “I’m not going to push anything on you right now. When I lost my leg, the last thing I wanted was the responsibility of holding someone else’s feelings while I was learning how to be myself again.”

  
It was only then that Arizona took her gaze away. Amelia noticed her grimace, starting to massage her thigh just above her prosthetic, and realized why she had moved her seat back. Arizona was wearing sweatpants, having come prepared after her emergency morning surgery, and she deftly slid the prosthetic off. She expertly laid the leg on the back seat, making sure not to hit Amelia. Amelia heard her sigh and met Arizona’s eyes once more.

“So, can we please get some ice cream and celebrate this win?”

Amelia nodded silently, not really knowing what to say in response to Arizona’s forwardness. She knew Arizona never beat around the bush; it was one of the qualities that made her so attractive to so many around the hospital. But that didn’t mean Amelia wasn’t shocked to be confronted with the ambiguity of their relationship.

Amelia noticed Arizona reaching into the back seat again, and with a glance back to the legroom, realized she should help Arizona out of the car. She quickly opened her door, climbing out of the passenger seat. With a quick motion, she closed the front door and opened the back, sliding a set of crutches out before making her way over to the driver’s side door. Arizona had opened it as soon as Amelia grabbed the crutches and swung her leg over. As she reached for the crutches, Amelia heard her quietly thank her, the words only escaping under her breath. The two were stubborn, and because they could relate to the feeling of needing to hold their own, it seemed that giving and receiving help from each other was effortless. A waltz they were willing to perform with no one else.

Arizona needed help standing and Amelia held one elbow while her other hand helped push her off the seat. Amelia closed Arizona’s door once she was able to move away from its path, not before grabbing both of their wallets. The two slowly ambled to the automatic sliding door of the building, the dull tile and lighting offering a surprisingly welcoming glow.

They walked in silence towards the freezers in the back of the store, the only sound echoing through the isles being the click of Arizona’s crutches. It was a stark juxtaposition to the Arizona that shouldered the weight of whatever was going on between the two of them alone about five minutes prior. Amelia had never seen Arizona this vulnerably. As shaken as she might’ve been when Nicole Herman had been mentoring her, it was different hearing Arizona speak about and tending to her amputation. It made her sentiment feel all the more honest.

Arizona began pointing out flavors as they came up to the freezer. A switch had flipped from the serious tone of the previous conversation and it was as if Amelia was watching a kid in a candy store. Arizona’s smile shone brightly and her eyes glowed as she compared flavors.

“Arizona,” Amelia interrupted her rant about pure flavors versus mix-ins. “I don’t need you to hold onto both of our feelings, waiting until I have myself together enough.” Arizona turned herself fully on the crutches so that she did not have to crane her neck to look at Amelia. 

“Honestly, we’d be waiting forever on that one because this,” Amelia gestured to herself. “… this is never going to be put together.” Amelia watched as Arizona smiled, letting a small laugh out. She looked down to the ground and then back up to Amelia’s face.

“I just meant,” Arizona started before being cut off again.

“I know what you meant,” Amelia said. “And I’ll give you the time and space when you need it. I just… don’t.”

Amelia watched as Arizona’s mouth fell open and then snapped closed. The two stood quietly in front of the open freezer, the door forming drops of condensation on the inner glass. Arizona smiled at Amelia and chuckled a bit.

“Could you take a step closer for me?” Arizona asked. Amelia stepped closer, automatically, but felt confusion etch on her face.

“Arizona?”

Before she could say anything more, Arizona leaned forward to close the gap between the two. Her lips were soft as they met Amelia’s, Arizona’s hand coming to rest on her arm. Amelia hesitated for a second but reached out for Arizona’s waist blindly. She turned her head slightly to deepen the kiss, stepping toward Arizona to help balance her. Time froze for a moment, but the two still felt the harsh breeze from the open freezer and pulled apart. Amelia smiled and let her forehead rest on Arizona’s slightly, holding her waist with both hands now.

“I uh,” Arizona started, causing Amelia to open her eyes, letting them focus on the other woman. “I couldn’t reach you and the crutches aren’t sexy.”

Amelia let out a quick laugh, pulling away slightly while Arizona found her balance back on the crutches. Amelia turned towards the freezer and grabbed a pint of vegan peanut butter ice cream, Arizona’s words from their dinner echoing in her mind: _it’s just one of those things that you know you should do, so when you think of it…_

“Obviously mix-ins are better,” Amelia said, returning back to the debate Arizona was having with herself earlier. “Can’t believe you’d take me for a plain-Jane type.”

Amelia smirked at Arizona, who grabbed a second pint of the same ice cream. The two walked to the front, paid for the ice cream and got into the car. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, I gave yall some fluff, but honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I also have been getting back into DC movies and shows, so I feel like I lost the characterization of these two. But, I definitely still have more story for these two, it does not end fluffy (though, don't you sometimes wish it did?). I will keep you updated with this though! Could just be an off week.   
> ellie


End file.
